Struggling With Depression And Suicide

Days of endless struggle..
More hopeful pills today..
Trying to appear ‘normal’..
In some sort of way..

It seems that the struggle..
Is always here with me..
And I wouldn’t be here now..
If guilt would leave me be..

I know there’s been many..
Who’ve had it worse than I..
But that doesn’t always mean..
That I wouldn’t say good-bye..

People say I have a lot going for me..
I’m sorry, but I just can’t see..
I can’t see because my worst enemy..
Is not my life, but inside of me..

Always on a roller coaster..
Not much consistency..
I’m nothing if I’m not up or down..
I’m nothing if just ‘me'..

Very little energy..
Wanting to stay in bed..
Wishing to be enthusiastic..
Instead of feeling like I’m made of lead..

Wanting to be excited..
Wanting to care for more..
But when nothing makes sense..
It’s hard to focus on the poor..

Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking..
It’s hard to keep in touch..
With what is happening around me..
And not to worry too much..

I feel that everybody is better than me..
And that I can’t do anything right..
This is how I’ve felt my whole dang life..
It didn’t just start last night..

No confidence, no self-esteem..
Everybody else is right..
To speak my mind is to be a fool..
So I just try to ‘sit tight.’

Any one of these problems..
Would be a heavy vice..
But when you have them ALL..
Living seems like a roll of the dice..